You are What You Believe

"You don't become what you want, you become what you believe." - Oprah

Mindset quotes like the one above are dangerous to share within the infertility community because oftentimes people are looking for the magic pill or rain dance, the secret potion, to ttc success. So, when someone says you become what you believe, undoubtedly we think we've done that. How many of you would say something like this?

"Well, I have believed I was going to be a mom my entire life, and yet here I am. This is horse shit."

"Nice try, Oprah, but my [enter infertility issue/body part] can't be convinced to start working."

We immediately begin to judge our own effort and feel inadequate. If her quote is true, why doesn't it work for me? Maybe I'm not unworthy or broken.

The problem is, these gurus aren't around to show you the flaw in your immediate reaction, because while it sounds super awesome to apply this idea to your specific problem, she's not suggesting that's what you do at all.

Mindset work doesn't translate into fixing all of your physical issues or limitations (or stop the traumatic events that happen in your life). Instead, it translates into helping you overcome them mentally and emotionally.

In the example above, the person stopped searching for answers and refused to change perspective. Instead of being open to new ideas or routes, or even seeing they still had choices, they are limiting this concept to one piece of their life and one outcome: their fertility (or lack thereof).

In turn, they're making themselves a victim. If I had to guess, they've also said something like this:

Why do bad things always happen to me?

How can I ever get over this when getting pregnant is supposed to be easy?

Why can't I catch a break?

I'll never have what I truly desire.

The truth of the matter is, if that's as far as your thinking goes and you continuously tell yourself you suck or are a victim of circumstance, your life is probably always going to show you that.

And your brain will believe it.

Confirmation bias is something many are unaware of but everyone has. Basically what it means is, if you believe something, your brain naturally tries to seek out confirmation of your belief. So, when you tell yourself over and over again that you're the victim, you'll notice your victimization more than anything else and every time it pops up in life.

If you think you suck, you're going to find reasons to believe it. Infertility is a beast of place to try to convince yourself you're worthy, but if you don't try you'll always think you're not.

Meanwhile, those with a growth or positive mindset who don't believe themselves to be a victim of their circumstances - who believe outcome doesn't define them as a human -  will find growth and positivity along their path.

If you want to know more about confirmation bias, look here.

While I faced the exact same trauma as many people who are diagnosed with infertility, I was able to navigate my journey with a little more grace because of the lessons I'd learned from my previous trauma (as I've mentioned before).

Did I deserve or choose to be abused?

No.

Did I deserve or choose infertility?

Nope.

They both sucked and required a lot of internal work to get through but it wasn't impossible, because I knew no matter the outcome of infertility, I wasn't going to be defined by it. I defined myself, and I saw myself as a resilient, kind, strong woman who would go all-in so I had no regrets, regardless of the outcome.

I was not a victim; I was a warrior.

Did I need to take a moment and stamp my feet and throw a tantrum? Fuck yes I did. The suck doesn't go away. Life happens to all of us and sometimes we have no control over what happens. In those cases, feeling your immediate reaction and emotions is healthy.

What's not healthy, is getting stuck in them and telling yourself you deserve them because they keep happening.

Does that make sense?

So your outlook won't actually change your outcome, but it will help you navigate it when it's time and you'll feel like a worthy person no matter what.

Maybe you'll need therapy.
Maybe you'll take two months to resurface and regain your composure.

But you will because you believe in yourself.

Do you see the difference?

We cannot control the outcome of treatment. We don't have the ability to predict our futures. When there are outside barriers to us getting what we want: injuries or diseases, genetics or anything we can't permanently fix, and we're only working with a loophole and a chance, that still doesn't mean you're inherently bad.

If you find yourself thinking these limiting or negative beliefs, where there is no room for growth, I encourage you to hop on to our Instagram LIVE today at 12pm CST where we'll talk about mindset and how to begin moving it again.


And if you know you really, really struggle with mindset, this is something we'll talk a lot about at the Immersion Experience. We'll do activities, group trainings, and 2:1 sessions to help you find your own limiting beliefs (read: they are what make you feel stuck), to disprove them, and then change your beliefs so you can live a more positive life.

The good news is, you're always able to change the way you think. Yes, it takes work. But you're the type of person who takes on infertility treatments, so this type of work shouldn't be excruciating. Instead, it'll liberate you.

Until next week.

XO

-Lindsay

Don't forget our book, Brave Bold InfertileAF launches this Friday. If you want to order a paperback copy, it'll be shipped to you direct from Amazon. The ebook will be sent to your e-reader immediately. Grab your copy here. Also, be on the lookout for giveaways on Friday.

The Dietbet ends on 6/24 and I will provide two more updates before then. Things are going well and I'm sticking to my plan. I notice a difference in the way clothes fit and don't want to obsess over numbers, so I haven't weighed in this week. Let us know if you're interested in another bet after this one. I'm thinking of starting a 10-weeker to get ready for Arizona.